I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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