I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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