True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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