Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
