i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
