it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
