nut hugger
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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