im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just high enough for therapy.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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