this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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