somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
