Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He shit in the fireplace
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