Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
