batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
