take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
