hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
