So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
