I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
