I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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