headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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