Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I still have a little drunk in my system
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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