ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
