last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
