Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
