Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
