dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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