Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
