I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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