i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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