my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
