all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
