I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
