Got a toothbrush?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
