guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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