His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
