True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
