I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
