I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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