and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
