I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
