So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
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His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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