I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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