those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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