he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
