i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
