Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
