Who wears a wallet chain?!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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