the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
