she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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