At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
