His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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