I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
