the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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