Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
