Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
