Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
be right there i have to get my cape
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
