Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
