The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
and she was petting her beer can
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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