I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
