If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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