and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
