He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
